It’s time for another big life update! I feel like this blog post took forever to write, and I know not everyone is going to read it, but it was quite therapeutic to write out. It’s officially summer and we are six months into the year. Wow! As always it’s hot as fuck out here in Southern California! Bring it on summer 2016! I don’t even want to begin to imagine how summer’s are going to evolve to by the time 2030 rolls around.
Life has been insane for me this year. A lot of new friendships were formed and new experiences were made, but more fucked up things than I would like happened to me as well. It’s crazy how certain life changes can have such a huge negative and positive impact all at once. No, this isn’t a pity party. I have always believed in being completely open with people. Sometimes I say things, and yes, it gets me into trouble. But you know what? I’m sick of tone policing. If you just want skip to the positive stuff, scroll down to “Let the good times roll.” There is still a silver lining to all of this.
Longest I’ve Ever Been Sick
Basically, school was very crazy and extremely challenging this year, and then my health took a toll by the end of the semester, and I was sick for about a month or so. I also lost my voice and had a cough that would not go away! Even now, I just barely finally have my voice back and the cough still comes and goes. I started drinking garlic and lemon tea, probably a little too late into this virus/flu, to help detox. I’ve had lemon water before, but I can’t believe I’ve never tried making garlic tea before until this year. It’s actually not as bad as it sounds, especially if you add a little honey to taste, and does not leave your breath smelling bad ha! Garlic has antibacterial properties that can help fight infections, and helps clear out the toxins in your system.
Now that I have more time on my hands, I also want to get back into working out and eating healthy again. School literally gave me no time for almost anything, and I found myself lacking lots of sleep, eating out a lot, and going out on weekends, trying to keep my sanity. Maybe going out and dancing the night away helped my sanity, but in the long run, it didn’t help my health. I sit here even now as I write all this, and feel worn out from this year. Dealing with the stress of a shitty break up also did not help one single bit, and I believe this is why I remained sicker for much longer than I should have been.
Dealing With a Shitty Break Up
School was not the only big change for me this year, but finally finding the strength and courage to leave a toxic on and off six year relationship. Yes, I broke up with him on our anniversary. Judge me if you want. It was that milestone that made me realize, “what the hell am I still doing here?” The aftermath of all that was not good, and I had to deal with a lot of harassment. Touching back on the whole tone policing, I was going to keep this a very private ordeal, until my ex flipped a bitch and actually hacked into my Instagram account and violated my privacy, deleting a bunch of people on my friend’s list, soon after I broke up with him. Now, we are all capable of letting our emotions get the better of us at times, I know I sure as hell am, but taking it too far is where I draw the line. This is just one of the many childish antics he acted on me after the break up. That was only the beginning. It left me in a really awkward position trying to add people on my friend’s list again. Some even said, “Oh? I thought we were already following each other…” That’s when I couldn’t keep my silence and had to naturally call his ass out. The more I got harassed with other things, the more I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. It kept escalating. Most people can maybe keep their heads high and ignore these things, and walk away, but me? No…I just want to fight back. That’s all I ever did, which is why my ex and I were always so wrong for each other in the first place. We never saw eye to eye and he didn’t really respect me half the time. He was also obsessed with women, and constantly sexualized every woman ever, including mutual friends of ours. Every woman we’ve ever known, he’s sexualized at one point or another in my presence. Some multiple times. I once also found a photo of this one girl on his desktop…he tried to come up with some lame excuse like he always did. I didn’t just always want to see the best in people , but I was such an idiot to stay in the relationship for as long as I did. Believe me, I know this.
Even when he apologized and asked me to still hang out, I let his manipulative ways get to me, but almost every time I tried to stop talking to him and hang out, he would flip a 180 (this is what I knew him for), and spread lies about me to someone I was trying to get to know better and date. I get when a person is hurting and feels like their whole world is falling apart (we’ve all been there), but to turn on someone and act immature when you can’t get your way, and maliciously try to sabotage their happiness, that’s not love, and I don’t care how sorry you are. If you do it more than three times, clearly there’s a problem. No matter how much a person says sorry, you still tried hurting me over and over again just because you couldn’t accept I didn’t want to be with you anymore. I will never forget that.
The relationship had its good points and I grew a lot and learned a lot about myself as a person. There were nice things in the relationship, but in the end, I just couldn’t be happy and there were too many lows rather than highs. I also made the stupid mistake of trying to be nice and still remain friends with my ex afterwards because he just couldn’t stand me never speaking to him again. WORST IDEA EVER. It backfired on me of course, and I’m pretty sure people were confused and judged me for it, but I will never make that mistake again. This is actually the first time I’ve ever broken up with somebody. I’ve always been the one to have my heart broken. I was naive. What was I thinking? Obviously I wasn’t. Life is a continuous learning experience.
At the end of May I also received some pretty childish texts from anonymous and hidden numbers. I even received a few prank calls from pre-automated voices that people find on stupid websites that will talk shit to you over the phone…it’s pretty pathetic for people to stoop so low, but people will be people. I had no idea repulsive websites like that even existed. Websites encourage harassment and cowards. This is the world we live in…
I’m a slut for leaving a toxic and at times mentally abusive relationship, and dating someone else monogamously? Hmm…alright. Maybe you’re just saying this because you think I moved on too soon. The truth is, the day I got cheated on almost three years ago now, a part of my love died then. I was a fool for forgiving my ex and begging him to take me back, thinking the relationship could still work after that, even when he constantly hung out with the person he cheated on me with for years after that…no matter how many times I told him it hurt me and made me extremely uncomfortable that they were still friends. So yeah, I’M THE SLUT, I guess…
Listen, age is just a number. Men can date younger women, but when a woman dates a younger guy, she gets torn apart for it. The guy I’m dating is clearly ten times more mature than the person that sent me this text, and is even successful in his field of work, has a great sense of humor, knows how to properly treat a woman, and knows how to handle conflict really well…yup. Total “little boy.” More like the first real man I’ve ever been with in my entire life.
But, who am I fooling? Or are you just some misinformed anonymous coward that is bored with their life and doesn’t have all the facts straight? I play no games. I’m honest as fuck. Too honest.
I’ve always been a sensitive person so I will admit of course this really really pissed me off and upset me. I’m not going to pretend whatsoever that it didn’t get to me. Receiving them during finals week also didn’t help, but life’s a bitch. You cry about it or scream at the top of your lungs for a bit, and then you have to continue to move on and go about your day. I have an idea of the possible people it could be, and even looked up the ip addresses, but I’ll never really know for certain. All I know is I have always strongly believed in Karma. What comes around, goes around, as the old cliche goes. It’s just shitty that it’s someone who has my number or someone that gave out my number…this has really made me reevaluate a lot of my so-called “friends.”
Let The Good Times Roll
Despite the drama, there is still a lot of good that has occurred this year. In the beginning of May, I finally went back up to San Francisco (it’s been like 6 years), and visited Oakland for the first time ever as well, modeling my friend Jenny’s (@shelovesdresses) new dress collection!! It was so inspiring and so wonderful to be a part of her Magic & Mischief collection alongside all these other beautiful and talented women. We took studio shots, and then we explored the outdoors. It was so fun to model in a studio and change into dress after dress or romper into romper. Jenny is extremely talented and has always had so much passion. She is never afraid to stand up for what she believes in, and she is one of the rare women that made me feel comfortable and trusting of other women again. For years I felt like I couldn’t really make or keep any female friendships. It always felt like a competition, or some women would act catty with me out of nowhere. Was it always jealousy? Maybe. I feel like there is so much pressure on women daily, that instead of working together or raising each other up, some feel the need to act bitchy or push each other away.
Mod inspired and 100 percent ethical, Jenny is on a mission to help empower women of color, and women of all shapes and sizes! Too often do we see Lookbooks that feature nothing but white or fair skinned women. Jenny is helping to change the game and believes in giving all women a voice. It’s time for the minorities to stop feeling like minorities. We are no longer minorities! We make up half the world’s population. Get with it people!
Fun Fact: I was actually REALLY sick when I went up to SF and did this shoot. This is when I first got sick and of course it was terrible timing. I also felt really bad that I was sick around all these wonderful ladies. I don’t know how I pulled through and managed to not look like death, oh wait! I know why! Because sometimes you just have to say fuck it and let all the positive vibes and energy lift you up!
In other news, I also attended Tyler the Creator’s first fashion show, featuring clothing from his new Golf Wang 2016 collection a few weeks back in L.A. This was my first official fashion show ever, so it was quite the experience and I’m glad it was so nontraditional. I loved the skate ramp! Tyler performed one of his new songs, and Kanye presented an envelope to Tyler, announcing that the entire audience would receive a free pair of new Golf le Fleur shoes by the end of the year. It was so much fun, and the new collection is really vibrant, with 90’s skate vibes. It was also great to run into some people I knew IRL and from the Interwebs, that were in attendance as well.
Instax from my 28th bday, May 18th, that I never got to share. I spent a nice, chill night in Hollywood with a few friends. This drink was also really yummy and called the Elizabethan. How fitting!
What I’m Currently Obsessing Over
♥ Denim on denim
♥ The Valfre Bowie Choker
♥ Kat Von D’s Everlasting Liquid Lipstick in Lolita II
♥ Forever 21 Wedge Gladiator Sandals
♥ Photographing fancy interiors in nice homes
♥ Rocking vintage bracelets and rings
I know I already knew this, but dealing with all this bullshit helped remind me all over again that there will ALWAYS be people that want to tear you down and shit on your happiness. I let it get to me every time and I hurt because that’s just the type of sensitive soul I am (I fucking hate it). I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, and all I can do is move forward and continue to surround myself with positive and uplifting, creative, humble souls. Leave all the negative, toxic people behind. Life is crazy–it always will be. Just don’t give up and keep surviving.